I'm on the Road to Recovery.

That's right. I'm starting to feel capable of experiencing joy, excitement, enthusiasm for life, and optimism again. It's been a while, but I think I still have some positive emotions left in me.

Maybe not so obviously, I have been at the lowest point of my life (that is, besides the heart stopping breakup in 2003) for the past few months. It's been mind-numbingly miserable since...I can't even remember when it all started. It seems that my life, my mood, my "affection" for school have all been gradually getting more and more dismal for some time now and it took me this long to realize that crying all the time (at least a few times a week, if not a few times per day) is no way to live. I can't even begin to try to explain the emotions that have come with the tears -- uncontrollable fear, intense pain, serious desires to die, never ending hopelessness, and, of course, overarching hollowness. They are almost indescribable, these feelings, but I think it boils down to basic temporary depression. If depression can even be classified as basic since it sucks the life out of you and then spits you out only to watch as you try to live in utter despair.

Now, with that all being said, please don't worry about me too much. I know it might be difficult to read, but rest assured that I am not suicidal and I have been working through this with the support of my therapist and my Seattle friends. I just want to illustrate how despondent I have been in the past few months. My spirit has been crushed by the emotionally and physically abusive relationship that I have with grad school. And in many ways, this metaphor works because even though I don't love it anymore, I fear being without it because it sufficiently serves as my security blanket. With it, I don't have to wonder what to do next year, I don't have to worry about financial issues, I don't have to live in ambiguity. It is providing me with the time I need to make some decisions about my future -- yes, all excuses as to why I am staying in grad school, but all still relative and legitimate.

By far the most difficult thing to put my finger on in the past few months has been -- What exactly are the issues that are causing me so much anguish? Why have I been feeling so awful? Why do I feel so unlike myself? Why can't I just snap out of this? What's actually going on inside of me? I can say without hesitation that I've never felt SO unsupported and hopeless in my entire life. And that's a sad place to be.

On the bright side, things are looking up for me. The quarter has ended successfully and, as part of a serious breakthrough with my therapist, I decided to cancel all of my engagements this week. THUS, I am sitting on my couch, drinking tea, listening to music, reading a book/the paper, and spending time with my quiet thoughts. It's delightful. No plans, no commitments, no places to be. This week, the only requirement is that I do whatever feels good in the moment. Whatever I want. No pressure to do anything. It's amazing how many doors of opportunity this opens for me. Yesterday, I leisurely sat around and watched NCAA basketball in the morning. Then, after Wisconsin pissed me off by losing, I tried to go for a run, but my foot really hurt as the result of drunkenly doing the worm and Gaelic dancing on Saturday night. Instead, I started to dance in the parking lot of the school that is up the street from my apartment and the neighbors -- I don't think I've mentioned them before, but they're becoming our friends -- walked by and asked if I wanted to play basketball with them. So, I did and it was SO MUCH FUN. We played "Tips" which is really fun when you are playing on a hoop that has been lowered for elementary school children and, therefore, allows you to actually dunk. So, I got a few lessons in dunking (amongst various compliments on my skill level which I very much appreciated) and they got the pleasure of hanging out with me. :) We played for about 2 hours and it was a blast. I definitely got a workout judging by the fact that I am incredibly sore today. I can barely get up off of the couch without wincing!

In other news, this clear and uncluttered schedule feels so good that I think I might have to extend it into next quarter -- which already begins next week. YECH. I did quit my job and I might quit volunteering, so that will free up some time I can just BE. How lovely! And, before I know it, I will be in Europe with some guy that I used to know really well. (Sorry, I'm just being passive aggressive.)

A few more things: I have some crushes on boys and with that, I have legitimately entered into the "like" phase with someone. Oh so exciting, I know! I'm still batting 23 make out partners, so I've gotta reach 24 by my 24th birthday. That should be no problem, I'm planning on hitting 25 by then and if I don't, someone's gonna be in for a REAL surprise on the evening of Saturday, April 21st. :)