Couples, Couples Everywhere, But Not a Man for Me.

This is a little deviation from "Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink."

Uhhhhh. Don't you HATE feeling like this? I do. That I'm-independent-but-want-a-boyfriend-because-everyone-looks-so-damn-happy-and-it's-been-so-long-since-I've-been-in-a-healthy-loving-relationship-but-I-hate-wanting-a-boyfriend-because-then-I-feel-needy-and-helpless-even-though-that's-unjustified-and-untrue-it's-just-my-own-stupid-and-irrational-thoughts-and-will-anyone-ever-love-me-again kind of feeling. Sigh. I know, I'm a good person who is intelligent and beautiful and, and, and, but that doesn't stop this feeling from firmly planting itself inside my very being. Geez, people, it's been almost THREE YEARS since I've had a decent, dependable, lovable, good-looking boyfriend and it's about time I found a great guy, even if it's neither permanent nor serious. Those married may contest by saying "You'll be with someone for your whole life, don't worry about it, have fun being single, yada, yada, yada," but I'm sure you singles out there know what I'm talking about. And everyone in between...well, you may be in one camp or the other depending on the quality of your relationship. But ya know, sometimes, it's just nice to have someone. I mean, really HAVE someone to spend time with and cuddle with and hang out with and go to coffee with and chill with and listen to music with and have meaningful discussions with (not that I don't already have meaningful discussions, but I can't make out afterwards with those I am currently having these discussions with) and...not do homework with. I guess, since it's human nature that at least some part of our self-worth is based upon what others think of us and how we are perceived by the opposite sex, I am just wondering if anyone will like me again. Maybe I am just feeling vulnerable at the moment (because I realize that I have a date on Wednesday), but I can totally understand how dating and having unmeaningful relationships can really wear a person out. I mean, I am only 23 (ohhh, my first time saying that!) and I get sick of it at times. I can't imagine being, like, 30 or 40 and still wanting and looking to spend my life with someone. Because, I think that's ultimately what I want. You know, spending my life with a romantic partner, but I have seriously hefty expectations for this person and for my life with him (assuming that I don't suddenly turn into a lesbian, which, if I lose faith in the male popluation, is entirely possible). BUT, with all of what I've said thus far, I am SO GLAD I am still not with anyone I used to be with. Even B. Because I think that if, for example, B and I would still be together, I really don't think I'd be in Seattle. I really don't think I'd be in grad school (or maybe I would, but not for a doctorate). I really don't think I would be who I am right now, today. And if I was still with Z, there is no way I'd be happy. I guess, in saying all this, I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and at a special, deliberate time (well, but maybe timing is arbitrary, who really knows...I guess it all depends on if you believe there is a God/Goddess). I think I believe (sometimes, I'm really not sure) that I need to LEARN something or to DO something before I'm with someone really special. There has to be a reason. I think I would go INSANE if I DIDN'T believe there was a reason. But, damn it, sometimes I wish I could just dip into the future, or see me on my deathbed and just know that everything will be alright. I guess that's the fun of life: Not knowing what to expect...keeps everything interesting. And if I knew what was going to happen, what would be the point of living? Just like when you read the last few lines of a good book and you discover who the killer is or who was killed or who got married (all good movies end with a wedding!) or who was defeated, it's not always worth reading the rest of the book leading up to that point. I suppose that's why so many people don't want to read books after seeing the movie. (Though, I would contest that you should all read every book that a movie is based on because: THE BOOK IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE MOVIE. Trust me. Especially Harry Potter.) Well, I guess life it set up in a way condicive to...sanity. Maybe we would all kill ourselves if we knew what happened at the end. Ooo. Sorry to be so morbid, I suppose that was a little harsh and unexpected.

I'm starting to get a stomach ache. I think I should go home. Oh, and just to let you know, I have a busy week. And I have a date on Wednesday, as I stated above. Hella cool, huh? Becca and I are going to the Melting Pot on Thursday to have a great, but extremely expensive meal. I'm prepared. OH, and I just got paid by my conversation partner - $20 an hour instead of $15!! WOW. I'm practically rich. This is going to pay the hell off.

And plans have changed for me. I think. I believe that I will get my Master's, then live in France for at least a year teaching English so that I can become fluent in French (I HOPE!), then go back to school to get my Ph.D. in Clinical Psych. Keep in mind that this could change tomorrow. I have realized, though, that my #1 goal in life is to get a Ph.D. and my #2 goal in life is to speak fluent French. My #3 goal is to get married and have a wonderful family. And did I mention that I want to take Spanish classes this summer? I am hoping to learn Italian and maybe some Mandarin as well. It's going to pay off, people. I'm going to be a woman of the world. Maybe the superwoman of the world.

And I'll end with what I'll call a haiku poem:

The sun is shining
I want to run forever
But take away the hills.
(Or take me out of Seattle?)