A Change of Heart

Today, I have had a change of heart. Well, maybe it's not that drastic, but I am feeling different about myself today. I woke up with the feeling and it hasn't waned since. I am feeling more light-hearted about situations, more optimistic, less invested. My emotional reactivity (or undifferentiation of self, as we like to call it in my Family Counseling class) has decreased, I am more confident and less moody. For some reason, when I feel an extensive relationship pull from Zack, my immediate reaction is to counteract his feelings with ones that are completely opposite. We had a bit of a relapse last night. This is beginning to be a frequent occurence, but I'm starting to think that I don't have as much of a problem with it anymore. I don't know why, but I am less concerned with its implications on our relationship. In fact, I think it might be good for a change. (???) I can't believe I'm saying this! Maybe I'm drugged up and I don't know it. Maybe this feeling is the result of my realization that telling Zack how I feel is incredibly freeing. Maybe it's because, after a somewhat lengthy discussion last night, I am more secure with Zack's honesty. Not that I wasn't before, but the fact is...I was beyond convinced that he was playing games with me in some distorted, unconscious way. Now, I really believe his feelings and words are authentic and sincere. This has obviously played out in my sense of our relationship and my sense of self. Ahhh, let all negative feelings fall by the wayside. Feels good to let go and just relax for a change.

Somehow, I am contented by myself today. It might be because I feel comfortable in Seattle for the first time.