No Sunny Skies Here

Only figuratively. We did have a few sunbreaks today. Maybe because the Seahawks are playing.

I'm down again. Made out with some dude last night and decided to tell Zack about it. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. He claims he is unable to be angry or jealous about it, but I know I hurt him and I think in some ways I was really selfish. But I don't want to keep feeling bad! I saw Brokeback Mountain last weekend and there were a few quotes in the movie that I took to immediately:

"This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation."

"I wish I could quit you."

My intuition is screaming at me and I am just not listening to it. Frankly, I need someone who does not have so many insecurities, that's really what it comes down to, I suppose. People keep saying that maybe it's not the right time for us, but I really don't want to be fed that bullshit. I have hung my life on false hopes before and I refuse to fall for that crap again. Optimism sucks in this way, which is also why I don't think Zack and I can be friends. It's really just not possible. I demand certain things in a relationship with someone and if those needs cannot be met, then I can't settle. It's funny, though (but not really) that I am a hopeless romantic who thinks that people trying to "find someone" is stupid...how's that for an oxymoron? It's almost as if I'm going against my natural feelings about the world. My inner feminism battling my inner romantic. As if it were some kind of competition to see who will win. It's really silly, but it's part of me at the same time. A dichotomy of sorts. (That reminds me, the dude at the bar last night - Phil - told me that I probably had heard that word used and decided to use it myself when I said it to him in our conversation. Oh, and just to clarify, he was some kind of "lawyer" - yeah right - and he wanted to take me home. BULLSHIT. I'm calling that one. I was proud to say that I was kind of a bitch.)

Furthermore, if I can continue my rant, I really don't want to be with someone who makes me question myself and my beliefs. Again, I have gone through that before and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! Not that Zack really does that with the intent of hurting me. I just feel as though he is so insecure with certain things...PDA, his own looks, etc...that it almost transfers to me. You may think that sounds silly, but just look at yourself and your own relationships. I'm sure that you feel your significant others' or best friend's emotions with great depth. I pride myself on being a person who feels very deeply and thoroughly when I am in any type of a relationship with someone. I am not fake. When I enter a relationship with another person, they will get someone who feels what they feel (if they let me in). That's how I operate and I like it that way. I give my all and that's how it should be. Do you give your all? If not, you should. Think about it...no regrets that way. You put your effort into it. You did your job.

I'm hurt. He's hurt. Our friendship and relationship is hurt. Damaged. Unrepairable? No. But we sure as hell can't be hanging out between love and hate forever.