I feel like I have a new life. Like I am a new person. I am ready to change my insides. It's already happening, I can feel it. I am ready to cultivate an awareness of myself that wasn’t there before. I am ready to wholly embrace myself and what I can do and what I can’t do. I am ready to live up to my own expectations, not those that others have of me. I am ready to shed the guilt, the anxiety, the negativity, the unnecessary to find pleasure, goodness, honesty.
I also realized tonight that I hate when people are not honest. I would much rather know and have a more harsh, real, authentic (but not sugar-coated) beginning or existence than find out the truth in the end and fall from the high place to which I was inflated. Falling sucks. I said that to Bonnie today and I thought it was incredibly insightful. I realize that I am becoming more whole of a person. More robust and likable to myself. I am learning, but I haven’t lost the naïveté that comes with innocence, nor the wisdom that comes with education. I like that about me. I like my flexibility, my compassion, my nonjudgmental nature. I am learning to say "no" when things don’t feel right. I am at a place in my life where I feel at peace with myself. It’s comfortable and comforting. It’s serene. Maybe this is pompous and maybe it’s not, but I feel that every day I am alive, I am one day closer to figuring out that widely-sought-after and wildly-cliche "reason for living." I believe that, in my heart, I really already knowwhat it is, but I am not ready to understand quite yet. It’s a profoundly important place to be, I figure.
"J'ai tendu des cordes de clocher à clocher; des guirlandes de fenêtre à fenêtre; des chaînes d'or d'étoile à étoile, et je danse." - Arthur Rimbaud (Illuminations )
And the English translation:
"I have strung cords from steeple to steeple; garlands from window to window; chains of gold from star to star, and I dance."
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment