Whoa, Man.

I am in bed with a nalgene bottle filled with hot water. That's how cold I am, people. That's how cold our apartment is. (Or maybe that's how cheap we are because we haven't yet turned the heat on. Or maybe that's how badly I need a relationship. Ha, only joking.)

It's one of those nights. One of those nights coupled with a few of those profound moments when I just know why I'm here. Everything becomes clear. I understand why Brad broke up with me. I know why I decided to pursue psychology. I understand why I arbitrarily chose Seattle of all places to do my graduate degree. I know why I went home over the summer. Things are just in place. As they should be. Where they NEED to be. I have an extreme appreciation for my friends in Seattle at the moment. I understand why I came to know them. I know that there is a reason at this very second why I have these particular friends, whether they are in my life forever or only for the year. These moments are so important to my functioning, so important to the development of each identity I have; they open up my world and let in the fact that no matter how hard I try to fight it, deny it, or avoid it (which is not often, by the way), fate always steps it. I'm starting to realize that the less I force, the more I gain. Gosh, it's just amazing how my life evolves into this beautiful piece of artwork. I'm constantly learning, growing, and changing. Sometimes at such a rapid pace that it scares me, but it's exhilarating at the same time. I've changed so radically in the past 6 months that it's impossible to describe. My world was different one year ago and I am counting on the fact that it will drastically change again one year from today. I'm starting to really comprehend, and I mean REALLY COMPREHEND, that I'm the only person that matters. I know that may sound selfish and narcissistic and just plain rude, but it's not intended to be taken that way. It's just that I have finally internalized that judgment (judging and being judged) is a way of life - it's how we are are programmed as human beings and it's how we must get by on a daily basis. BUT, that being said, my judgments are manifestations of my own reality and my reality (as long as it comes from a completely genuine place) is all that I know and all that matters. Your reality should matter to me (and it does), but I don't really know what it entails. I can and will never know what it entails. That's the simple, yet complex nature of everyone's opinion. Essentially, and shortly because I am tired, this means that, for example, grades don't really matter to me. As much as I want to please others and know that I am doing well, it's all subjective and it's all based on what other people perceive my work to be. I mean, I know there are certain "right" and "wrong" ways to do particular tasks, but in essence, most grades are complete crap. Seriously, they make up a holistic opinion about you, your work, your attitude, how you look, what you do, what you wear, how you correspond with the grader, etc. How can grades NOT include all of that unless there were no names, just codes or numbers? You see, judgment is all arbitrary. It doesn't really matter. I realize that this is not the best explanation of my increased awareness of this issue, but I am tired. Dead tired. Long day. Longer day tomorrow and the next (and the weekend).

Remind me to tell you about me, my dissertation ideas, and how numbers are arbitrary in other areas of our lives. The saga will continue tomorrow. *