HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPH! I hope you're having a fabulous birthday today! Wish I could be there to celebrate, but hopefully, I'll talk to you, then see you soon enough! :)
I am sitting at Top Pot right now. My hangout. The boy at the counter (Corey) knows my name as I see him nearly every day. I've actually started to tip. Imagine that.
So, thanks Ty and Steph and Raya for your comments. First of all, Ty, really I am not down with the nickname. Especially since Zack came up with the coolest of all cool nicknames for you. You need to match that shit, I think. Get on that. Steph, thanks for the compliment, I really appreciate it. I hope to write a book someday with all of my ridiculous as well as philosophical thoughts in it. Raya, don't worry about being MIA because I am feeling the same way. I can chat with you about Zack later, no prob. You enjoy your vacations, though!
I was even thinking more in-depth about my post yesterday and I came to the issue of altruistic love. Are we really ever truly altruistic about anything? I believe that answer is no. We want to be happy, but for so many of us, we say that making others happy is what makes US happy...is that true? Maybe to a point, but not entirely. There is so much I would like to articulate, but my fingers can't type as fast nor as efficient as my mind can think. Sometimes, I wish I could solve all the world's problems, but I can't. I feel overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to lend some help to ONE issue...can you imagine how I would freak out trying to solve them all? I know that's not possible and when I think about it, I feel as though all the wrong and the "badness" in the world is like a virus or some kind of bacteria. Once we find a way to "cure" it, the sickness finds a way to mutate and infects us all over again in a completely different way. I feel selfish sometimes thinking that I don't have enough money or time or resources, and then I am reminded of all the others in the world who are not as fortunate as I. How can I not be optimisitic about my life and my future. The overarching theme of my life right now? Scared. I am scared out of my mind and find myself pulling back instead of letting go. It is the most clear to me in my relationship with Zack. In fact, today I am having an off-day. I am having a freaked-out, don't-talk-to-me, scaredy-cat, leave-me-alone, cringing type of day. It's one of those days that I have when I feel like I'm getting too close to someone. I'm uncomfortable and squirmy and withdrawn and inhibited. It's just a defense mechanism. I go up and down with this shit, who am I kidding? I just cannot let go and become completely emotionally attached to Zack. I am too scared right now. I might as well just stop analyzing and go with it.
I should be using my talented writing skills to be working on a paper (or 3 papers) right now. Which reminds me...
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