Cheese Puffs

Hey yos. So, I am at the library right now and I'm trying to get some work done. I want to finish my power point, all my research, and half of a paper today...think it will get done? I sure hope so.

Nothing really to say today, but I am having some emotional issues. Who doesn't have those, though, right? I feel ridiculous about it. Sometimes, my expectations are just through the roof and I hate that. I may not assume, but I sure do expect certain things. How is one to get over that? It's definitely easier said than done. Cliche, but true.

Zack and I went out to eat last night at a place called Duke's. It was pretty good. They have some mean clam chower (Dad, you'd love it), but my spinach salad was only okay. Then, we hung out, drank some Sparks, and watched part of Shawshank Redemption before falling asleep at, like, 11:30pm last night.

You know what I've been wondering? Does everyone wonder about their worth at some point? I mean, do you think that each person imagines they are not worthy of being loved? Is this at the core of all people, no matter who we are? I think it's a valid argument considering the fact that being loved, especially by a person that is not related to you, is subjective and hard to come by. Think about how amazing love is. Two people with different minds, bodies, opinions, souls, ideas, lives come together and love each other, ideally, for...ever. And, the shocker for me is that it is MUTUAL. So often, we are victims of unrequitted love. I think this is one of the most painful experiences ever. And how do we overcome such a thing? How do we break associations between certain areas of our lives? How do we not generalize? I think it is entirely a human thing to do; we want to make our lives easier, so we form categories and we use sweeping generalizations across these categories that helps us not have to deal with abnormal situations, things, and events. The question is: When do we come to a point where we are satisfied? When do we have that perfect balance between what we want and what we can't have...and will that make us happy? Maybe I shouldn't be generalizing right now and I should use myself instead of people in an all-encompassing sense. When will I stop being obsessed with perfection enough to live my life and be very happy with it? Will it ever subside? I told my mom the other day that if I really wanted the "perfect" person, I would just clone myself and make my clone get a sex change so that I could be with myself in male form. In writing, that sounds a lot grosser than it did before, but you get my point. No relationship is perfect because no person is perfect and my ideal relationship can never actually happen because it doesn't exist. Plus, when you factor in the idea that each person's definition of perfection is different, where are we at, then? This leads me to the fact that, despite popular utilitarian beliefs, there are no universal truths or absolute statements. Know what? Good thing I wasn't a philosophy major, or I might be incredibly screwed up...in a good way, I guess.

I'm just filled with so many questions and no answers. I have an idea...how about I just be myself and relax? That might get me somewhere. But it must be said that, most of all, I am afraid of my own thoughts and patterns and strengths and weaknesses. I try to be so open, but I find myself still so closed to so many things. I don't just let myself BE. FEEL. LIVE. I get caught up in the past and how it could have been or would have been. THIS IS NOT AN IDEAL WAY TO LIVE. I so often pray that I am able to break free of myself - my own worst enemy - to experience realness and reality.

Time to go. I can't think about this bullshit anymore.

I feel crazy.