Feeling Especially Good About Myself Today

That's right. I AM feeling especially good about myself today. True story. I just donated 50 cents to a woman advocating for prevention of rape and molestation in women and children. While I was getting out my wallet, she asked "What's your major?" I told her that I was a grad student in the College of Education and she asked where I had gotten my undergrad degree. I said Minnesota and she subsequently asked if it is cold there. (An understatement according to the recent temperature in the midwest.) I told her that Wisconsin (sorry, I don't know about Minnesota) just had a blizzard in which 13 inches of snow was successfully...delivered. She freaked out and told me that she wanted me to have a good day because I had made her day better. Okay. Cool, I guess. Never knew that telling someone Wisconsin got a blizzard would make their day.

I also forgot to follow up on the "Rebecca hates me and wants me to die" mindset that I had previously constructed out of sheer frustration with Rebecca's attitude towards me when we first moved in together. Well, Bonnie officially confirmed last weekend that my speculations were, indeed, true. Not only did Rebecca dislike me, but she also thought I wasn't qualified to be in grad school (hence her always telling me to do study). SERIOUSLY. I was a bit offended, but more so impressed with myself for hitting the nail on the head, so to speak. My suspiscions are now justified. Furthermore, Bonnie and I discussed how I (among others that surround me in Seattle) believe I seem to exhibit a fairly ditzy first impression (or, as Zack liked to put it, he would never have talked to me at a bar because he would immediately think that I just like to hear myself talk). Bonnie elaborated on Rebecca's inital dislike of me saying that, "Well, we thought that you were a nice, pretty, happy girl who was really clean and liked to dance...I mean, what would you think? Right?" Um...yeah. Lucky for me, I disspelled their preconceived notions of my disposition, but can you believe people actually think those things? Because of this, I challenge you to understand your own biases and worldview (Sorry Kelly and Christine, I had to wrap this around our studies somehow...). How do you come across to people? That doesn't matter so much as how you view other people in terms of what you know? If you saw you, would you LIKE you? Just a thought. If you met me, would you like me? Sometimes, though I believe first impressions can be extremely accurate (I've read studies on this and had first hand experiences with it), I think people's own view of themselves really skews their first impressions of others. Case in point: Rebecca didn't immediately like me because I happen to be a very secure, confident person while she is extremely insecure (and will readily admit it). Again, I dare you think about this concept and relate it to your own life. How does your view of yourself and the world contribute to your understanding and admiration (or dislike) of others? This all reminds me of the material discussed in our Family Counseling class today: Some theorists argue that language IS thought and how we come to understand our world is exactly how we continue to construct our realities. By listening to someone's language, you can gain valuable insight into their world and seek to understand how they conceptualize other people, situations, and experiences. Moreover, (though I tend to disagree with this on some level) people argue that your reality IS your truth, as some believe there is no objective truth at all. This is contestable. I do and I don't. I believe in cultural norms and values, I believe in situational variables, but in most contexts, I believe that killing other people is wrong. I believe that sexual abuse is wrong. I believe that physical abuse and domestic violence is wrong. I can't even begin to understand how having sex with someone against their will could be construed as "right" in another culture. It's damaging! It's sad! This contributes to an overwhelming sense of social responsibility of some and not others...if you live in your own reality, you may not feel socially responsible to your community, state or nation. Personally, I believe this is a limitation of the theory. One more thing, I found this little sign in one of my classrooms: "Gravity is a theory, not a fact. Please approach this knowledge with an open mind, study it carefully and critically consider why you are not floating into the sky right now?" Isn't that frickin cool? Sorry this all is so deep, but I really get into this stuff! :)

Additionally, this monologue gives way to my other realization of the day (OR OF THE CENTURY CONSIDERING HOW IMPORTANT IT HAS COME TO BE): I don't trust myself as much as I should. I know, you're probably thinking...oh, that's not right Kelly, it is evident that you do trust yourself. (Well, maybe I am hoping you would protest and, in actuality, you really wouldn't, but remember that this is part of the I'm-pretending-I-am-talking-to-everyone-even-though-no-one-is-here type of mindframe I like to have when I'm typing these posts.) So...this is so salient (in my life as well as everyone else's) because it really undermines having confidence and loving myself. How can I love myself if I don't fully trust myself? I mean, REALLY. Just for one moment, relate that to a relationship you are either in or have experienced in the past. It is really fundamental knowledge that trust and love really go hand-in-hand if you are to ever have a functioning, healthy relationship with anyone. In my opinion, trust is a precursor to love. Love is necessary, but not sufficient for the development of a romantic relationship in my life; the trust has got to be there. And ditto with my friendships! Shit, I won't be really great friends (because, let's face it, I suck at NOT being friends with people) with those I can't trust. Again, because I am feeling particularly socially responsible today, I encourage you to explore what this means to you. Do you trust yourself? Or do you find yourself trying to control things that need not be controlled? For example, I write lists. Lists upon lists upon lists upon lists (if you know me well, you may very well be laughing at this point) saturate my life and I continue to write them. WHY? Well, I have come to realize that I don't trust myself enough to remember the important things, so I have to write them down. In doing this, I am only breeding mistrust in myself so that I write down MORE things and I make MORE lists. You see? YOU SEE? What's really going to happen if I don't write all my thoughts down? They'll be lost? So what? Is that bad? Why do I need to remember them? What if I do remember them? If they're important enough, I probably will. Another example: I am nervous as hell about my future. Probably something you would not expect seeing as I am in grad school with a very structured, directed path. In reality, I have so many interests that I suck in narrowing down what I really want to do in life as I want to avoid limiting my options, hence I have chosen to stay in school to expensively prolong the amount of time I have to decide. (Confused? See posts from the middle of October when I was freaking out about being a school psychologist.) WHY? I don't trust myself enough to take the path I know I want to take. I have gut feelings. I know what I want to do. I don't know exactly how I'll get there, but you better believe I will. See, that confidence is there, but the trust is not yet fully attached as it should be. A third example involving the ever-important mind-body connection: I am striving to be healthy. In some ways, I am healthier than others and sometimes, I foolishly beat myself up for skipping a workout or eating three donuts. If I would just trust that my body will know when I'm hungry or when I'm tired or when I want to run at top speed on a treadmill, then I would stop feeling the urge to condemn myself every time I wasn't "perfect" and entirely healthy throughout the day, week, month, year. See how important this concept is? I am just...totally impressed with myself that I happen to stumble upon this life-altering thought today while walking from the IMA to my class in Miller. I couldn't stop smiling when I realized that importance of my self-diagnosis!

Okay, other news in the life of Kelly? My Family Counseling professor reminds me of Jon Bootz (my uncle) SO MUCH. It's really hiliarious, actually. He is kind of a "droner." He just keeps talking and droning on and on until he suddenly realizes that he's 15 minutes over the ending time of class. Oops.

Lastly, I was thinking something today. It's a weird thought, so don't get grossed out on me. What if people walked around with their "numbers" floating above their heads all the time? (And by numbers, I mean number of sexual partners.) Wouldn't that be weird? Huh. I'd be interested to know some people's numbers. Maybe that's gross. Or weird. Or something. But it was just a thought. Maybe I shouldn't have shared it. Maybe it's one of those that is best left in my head. Sorry, if that is, in fact, the case. I should have spared you.

So, Kel and I are going to Top Pot tonight to get more donuts for our (her) last presentation tomorrow! Then, I have a midterm to revise, a project to finish, two papers to write, and reading for next week to do this weekend. Not too shabby!

(Oh, by the way, Babe, I wanted to define a few terms for you: PDA means "Public Display of Affection" and OMG means "Oh My God." In English, they are frequently used abbreviations.)

Man, this is long. I must have really had things to say today!

K, bye.

PS - I'm surprisingly chipper today seeing as I had about 5 hours of sleep. Get this: I finally finished my midterm (due today) at 3am last night. I woke up this morning (bright-eyed and bushy-tailed) at 8am, worked out at the IMA (pretty hardcore, too), and went to class already! Go me! :)