Needy.

I realized that whenever I feel needy or want to be in a relationship, I look at the Craig's List personals. It has this way of making me feel both a combination of relief (knowing that I am not and will never be as desperate as some of the people who post ads) and desire to respond (just to find out who these people are). Plus, it would be nice to have a regular makeout partner. But really, when I get the actual "Craig's List urge" (aka: wanting to post an ad of my own), it's usually because I'm in need of an ego boost. BUT, then I'm afraid I will actually respond to one or two of the replies to my ad and then, THEN I'm that girl who wants to be in a relationship just because she wants to be in a relationship and not because she actually LIKES someone. You see, I think of it like this: Yes, there is a human need to be in relationships. Yes, we are a social species with a so-called biological need to have relationships with others. Yes, having a significant other is different then just having friends. As you know, from time to time, I want a relationship just as anyone else who is not in a relationship does! BUT, when someone (like my old roommate Rebecca, for example) absolutely yearns for a partner (so bad that she is willing to post multiple ads on Craig's list within a few weeks time), THAT is when I think the line has been crossed. You see, there is a difference between wanting to be with someone to fill a void that you could possibly fill yourself and may be because of deeper problems that you have not addressed, and wanting to be with someone to have fun and makeout with. I much prefer having someone in mind whom I want to get to know better and be closer to. BUT, like I said, that doesn't mean that I don't get this urge to have a relationship like I used to. Part of it, for me, is that I was really defined by being in a relationship - "Oh, so YOU'RE Brad's girlfriend.." or "I remember Brad, but who are you? OH, his girlfriend...you're so lucky, he's so HOT!" This goes back to my post yesterday on how I constantly feel like I have to prove myself in order to keep love and attention. Ahh, it's an interesting cycle. I still have relationship and love issues that I need to talk about with my therapist. Well, hopefully my new therapist. I hope I like her as much as I liked (loved) my old one.

Back to Craig's List...I think I want to post to get an ego boost. It feels so good when you have a million responses - all from people who seemingly think you're cute and clever. But, it's really superficial. Maybe I just need more positive reinforcement in my life? Shit, you'd think I'd get it enough from myself, but I guess that's a void I just can't fill by myself. My ego must need more stroking than I thought! I can't do it alone, people, start stroking!

Oops. Maybe that came out wrong. Freudian slip? I do that WAY too much.