The Universe is Conspiring for You.

That's right. Read it again: The Universe is Conspiring FOR You. Not against you. It's profound, really. Think about it. The fact that everything which seems to be swirling around us is really all for good reason; the mere possibility that nothing is coincidental; the notion that someone or something is continually working in our favor no matter if the bad will eventually bring us to the good - you gotta ponder that for some time, and in some respect. There's more to it then what meets the eye.

Everyday, something miraculous happens. Everyday, something happens that can not be explained by science or psychology (c'mon, I had to include it in the list) or logic or even emotion. Which leads me to believe that there is something else. There's got to be. Maybe not necessarily something that is "bigger" than us per se, but something or someone that is our figurative partner in figurative crime. Like I said above, someone that is constantly working in our favor. Someone or something that is conspiring FOR and with us whether we chose to believe it or not, whether we like it or not.

Now, to change the subject...

It's official: It's rainy season. It's pouring outside right now and in Seattle, it doesn't really pour. Nice to go to bed to, but horrible to wake up to...unless you can stay in bed and read the paper all day. Remember that day I blogged and I was in bed getting ready to read the paper? You may not remember it, but I certainly do. Ahh. So nice.

What's also nice is that I feel no pressure to be the best in class anymore. Not that I ever really did, but I'm different now. Nothing in particular has changed over the past few months, only everything has changed. I just feel like I'm able to be me. And that there is nothing wrong with me. It's having quite a nice domino effect, I must say. You should try it. (That's not to say that everyone who reads my blog has a serious problem with accepting themselves. I'm certainly not one to diagnose. -Ha, ha. A little school psych joke for those of you who will understand it.- It's just that loving and being "okay" with yourself even a little bit more than you already do has a certain magical effect to it. Really. Try it.) I'm more social, more friendly, more genuinely interested in people and what they have to say, more thoughtful, more mindful, more careless (yes, this is a good thing for me), more lazy (also another good thing), more easy going, more kind, and more truthful. My life is not blanketed by a layer of guilt, pressure, or dislike. It's wonderful. Refreshing. Invigorating.

Anyhow, I think since I am putting less pressure on myself I am actually a far more effective person. It's brilliant, actually. Who knew that something so counterintuitive would actually work? Well, I didn't die and I'm even living to tell about it. (Ha! I'm a regular old comedian...or I just put my foot in my mouth and make puns without even knowing it. That's much more likely.)

You know, the more I write in this post, the more I realize that it's really weird. Maybe I should stop, but I kind of like being totally bizarre. (Not like that doesn't happen often...)

Back to my "bien dans sa peau" (French to English translation: "feeling good in your skin")theory: It's really glorious being comfortable with who I am and where I'm at. I feel like I had really lost that sense of security in myself when Brad broke up with me. I mean, some of you may view that breakup as trivial and roll your eyes whenever I mention it which is fine with me (everyone is entitled to their own opinion), but that moment in my life and the moments that occured thereafter when I was completely numb to the world...well, they were life-changing. I'm sure that not many of you can imagine it (being broken up with, I mean), but it was utterly devastating to lose someone I loved so dearly for so long. It was as if he had died. But, that was the thing, he really hadn't died. He basically told me that he didn't want me. So...my most logical conclusion was...what's wrong with me? What do I have to change about myself? How come that everything I have known about the world for "x" # of years is ... not true? Maybe, just maybe, with these few sentences, you can start to understand what it was (and sometimes, still is) like for me during that time. It was catastrophic to me. A breakup like that, something SO profound in one's life is not isolated. It has an enormous ripple effect on each part of life, no matter how intricate. And in my mind, it should not be trivialized. BUT, the worst part about it was that the second key person in the whole situation (myself being the first), namely, Brad, did just that - he trivialized it. So, now, it was REALLY not okay for me to grieve because me, our relationship didn't mean anything to him - or so I thought and so I still think. Well, maybe it meant something, but obviously not as much as it meant to me. And THAT, THAT is something that will make anyone lose faith in themselves. It certainly made me question everything about myself, my abilities, my body, my mind, my interests, my friends, and love. Not only love for him, but love for myself. Love for my family and my friends (most of whom were there for me during this time). Love for anyone. What is it and how do you develop it and how do you keep it? God knows that I wondered for a long time how to keep it...and I still do.

So, now, maybe you will be able to more fully understand this change. The change I have been feeling inside lately. And the reason this haircut was such a big deal? Well, my internal change is now reflected in my external change - for all to see, for all to treat me differently. But that's okay because I AM different. I have been hiding, afraid, so scared for some years...but, I think I might be "back" or different or something, at the very least. This change has been stewing inside of me for a while, waiting for the most opportune moment to present itself. And what a grand moment it chose.

Whew. Good thing I didn't stop when I thought I was getting weird, because then I wouldn't have had a breakthrough. And you all would never have gotten to "witness" one.